Its refreashing to be single and happy

It seems like I shouldn’t be feeling so happy as a single woman but I am, love songs send me into a trance or sort of fantasy about new possibility once my life is back on track, its like I already know that me being single is not long term….That may seem border line neurotic, but the truth is it’s a down fall


When I think about why I feel this way I’m sure I’m setting myself up for the “bullshit”. in other words Im setting myself up for and asshole.
 It may have something to do with that fact that I have never been single longer then three months, and the few times i was single i kept 3 to 4 female in rotation according to my needs. I know now that was the little girl in me afraid to be absolutely alone. Thats not all true I dont mind being alone so im not really sure  or what or why ?

When I think of the future I think ….No! No I need to focus really hard for the next few years. I shouldn’t even be thinking that way….but every once in while I drift off and when I do I find myself thinking of things I think about what will she look like, what will she like , what will she dislike ? I feel like I have been through so much with my past that I will recognize what I don’t want, I feel like I will look deep enough to see what’s in her mind so I will recognize the qualities I do want. I’m hoping once school starts I can bury myself in studying…I crave that robotic process of receiving large amounts of information, the way I allow it fill my brain circling finding ways to connect and associate gluing knowledge to my brain. That’s what I need school………one week left. Then I can successfully daydream about cells and synapses.



In the mean time I have decided to read the origin of species . There is a book that’s very popular right now The God Delusion by a man name Richard Dawkins…that I have to read. I wont go into detail here its much to heavy but I am going to start a short blog dedicated to this subject since I do have strong feelings on the subject of the atheist movement that seems to be spreading epidemic. Why not start with a book that has greatly influence the science community greatly. F.Y.I I think god (our creator) is in science. As our minds evolve so shall our understanding of our creation and creator.

Coming soon blog

Saturday

Hello, I am in a great mood today. I have been for the last four days.

Its always scary little waves in my sea of happiness fear that things will all go wrong. Is that weird or a normal that I have those fears.?

I have been practicing my youtube belly dancing which is working. My best friend got me a hip wrap to motivate me. On top of that I got a new hair do, it always does amazing things to confidence. I went out last night to a straight bar. That’s never really fun for me, its a process to get to the gay girls while avoiding persistent men and I’m in there (heterosexual ) playing field. I went because my friends are straight....why I don’t know? I have been a out lesbian since age 14 and still no lipstick /fem lesbian crew... but that is another blog. The point is I went out and even though it was a straight club i had a good time….I go to a gay club tomorrow night.
School starts in two weeks

it all about me...and thats ok.

Its been a couple of days without me writing I just left my blog unattended.

I couldn't understand why I stop writing, then yesterday while something snapped. I realize I had modified my blog to please others. One of the main habits I’m trying to escape.

The post prior to this one is a venting session , and in that I down my "ex" pretty bad. The truth of it is that I was expressing how my self love must grow, and how my own pride and arrogance allowed me not take the warnings of two very wise and intelligent women who’s experience in the matter was well beyond my own. The traits I used to describe her are not the problem . It was her acting on these traits that should have prompted my immediate exit from the situation. My lack of self persevering acts is the real point of post.

The post is pretty harsh on the "ex" but its how I felt at that time. Honestly I don’t think of her much unless it is related to myself growth, and there a lot to relate. Its a long brutal road from love to hate...The saying "a thin line between love and hate" is shit! love and hate are so far apart that it takes  immense gestures in either case for this young woman to feel either way so for her to go from one extreme (my love) to very close to the other extreme (my hate) well that’s a lot . I wrote my last post with as sarcasm, of course I wasn't all good. and she wasn't all evil. But this blog is my place, we have no mutual friends we are in no way socially connected. I will not change anymore, I will not cage any more of myself.. For others especially one so undeserving of my consideration.

mom says im a meany

I wrote this blog and it said alot of shitty stuff about my ex..all true....but my mom says its mean and wrong and basically tooled me i sound bitter....what should i do. I really don't hate her anymore but every once in a while i feel the need to rave a bit. Mainly because the bitch wont give me back something really special...that's mine and was never hers...

workout

Working out made me feel fat…..why is that ? Maybe it was how hard was breathing ,or maybe the was way my body seem 30 pounds heavier , after about 10 jumping jacks I was well on my way too saying fuck it, but I thought of this blog and all that energy from yesterdays Sunday morning post, and I kept pushing. In the middle of my 50 jumping jacks I realized I didn’t have a good idea about my exercise routine, I was completely lost jumping back and forth from sit-ups to push ups to jumping jacks. I felt like I was getting no where…so I did what most was free and convenient I search the internet . I found youtude has of nice selection of fitness workouts….I found a great four serious belly dancing video (all together 40 min) . this is the 1st one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsWK5WA8of0
I watch some of it first and I thought that looks sexy that doesn’t look so hard they look extremely relaxed. So I dedicated myself to this video (which is not in English but very explanatory ) and at the end my body was in pain…GOOD PAIN…I think I’m going to look into other styles as well start a sort of rotation… in addition to that I devoured a whole liter of water…..yum. I’m tempted to just put up my picture lets see if I can come up with a body shot.

How it is

I’m not sure how to not be a procrastinator…I use to ask people and they would advise me to “just do it” after a long blank stare and a huff I would reply ok….and I thought I understood. I thought I understood I thought I knew what they meant. They meant HEY GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP GET THOSE GOALS ACCOMPLISHED. So that’s what I did…. I got up and checked into nursing school, (because I want to be a nurse) I got married (I wanted a family) I got a second job ( because I wanted more money) ………I did all this with in a year…lol. Can u guess what happen ….my week was filled with 60 hours of work 30 hours of school and 14 hours of traffic and all free time went to fights with the Mrs.….(because I’m a lesbo) after 10 months and countless hours of missed school neglecting both jobs and almost collecting my wife’s head. It all fell apart…and exhaustion and depression kicked in and all was lost….But no fear I’m here and I will try again. Of course I lost my job so I’m living on unemployment. My wife left me…..kind of around the same time I lost my job…..coincident I guess. My apartment was a perk of my job. so um I live with my mom and my car broke down and in a fit of rage I junked it.. So I’m 24 I have no kids, no job, no car, no real college education, my credit sucks and I live with my mom…..after my wife left I went through a change….well first I went though a sort of personal hell, but slowly I begin to feel again. And not just that painful dull anger that I had wasted what I thought to be a very important year of my life and got nothing but 5000 dollars in school loans and a scar on my heart. I felt the urge to try again. To fight that part of me that whispers never trust another big butt and smile. To say fuck nursing hard core business is the life for me. So lets start. I say lets because well I feel kind of Looney I mean lonely and hey why should I. I have , a computer I have access to the WORLD WIDE WEB. Lets see what I can do in this year… in the mean time I hope to run across people who have better advice then just do it cause as you can see that didn’t work.