what weeks bring

Its up and down week for me and my family. Monday was my Troy’s memorial an that was and event. I got to feel his presence again. It was a 24 hour thing for me and my family Sunday afternoon leading into Sunday night was a bbq. Yes we gave my uncial a BBQ complete with his favorite game dominos his best friend came a other very close friends and family. The next day was his service and then another cook out my aunt Peaches gave, it was great and I knew he was there I could feel him. The very next day I had to go to court with my ex-employer, the assholes tried to appeal my grant for un-employment. There reason being I was delinquent and then fired from my job. NOT TRUE they could not produce anything but a piece of paper they clam to be my attendance record. It was a lie and I couldn’t believe they would lie like that. I wanted to smack the operations manger in the face and say you took a fucking oath. That would not have helped. I’m nervous about the outcome they don’t give it to you right there they mail you the judgment. "JUGEMENT" never liked that word. So after Monday and Tuesday then comes hump day and I have a sort of make up show to do so that put things to a rush combined with school put me in squeeze. In addition to that I have to share my computer with one other very internet active person. Thursday came and so did my check every dime went to bills and such. On Friday came a big surprise my mom got me my very own tiny computer, ITS GREAT with all that’s happen I have had lots of support and love. My best friend came from very far to see me and also attend the memorial. My aunt was very supportive through this. My mom assured me that no matter the outcome we would find away through. Then my mom saw my struggles with the computer and got me this baby. I am so blessed. This just reminds me that things can change so suddenly and I’m so grateful.

Im A STUDENT

Im a STUDENT again yay I’m extremely happy…but not satisfied. my energy has returned and finally I am smiling more then often then not. I have came out of my blank state of depression retuned to active life…oh im so grateful…but paranoid thinking about how it could go wrong (old habits die hard) but the small bricks of this foundation are strong and even so I use that to keep my paranoid thoughts in check. I use this blog for motivation…how morbid that I woman of 24 have to depend on a blog to say on track. Thinking of that reminds me that I need to catch up on my fellow bloggers. I will be doing this today. If you guys haven’t take a look at my links to other peoples blogs, if the links on my page then there are people I read often and if you like my blog chances are you will love there’s…..what’s new I have returned to my much needed belly dancing. I WILL START DRINKING WATER AGAIN, so easily the little stuff gets pushed to the side and procrastination sneaks in. Ha, I caught it after two weeks floating around doing whatever the day required. I need to re-center myself but I still haven’t got a clear time to do this. As-a-matter of fact Im going to make time tonight. But first im going to complete and assignment (write a short bio on myself) I will most likely post it.



..i made this 3 days ago and so much has changed

I have missed you

Well I have been busy….its been a while since I been this damn busy. I also forgot how to manage.


The Lez B Us show is going great. (cant miss a advertising opportunity).

But back to my fight my foundation. But for right now Liz b us is becoming part of my life, I love doing the show but I’m concerned about how much energy im putting in it. it started as a hobby but deep in my heart I want it to be a business. I’m thinking about doing just that. im going to give it a few months and prepare a business plan then see how I feel.

My weight loss is coming along nicely even though I haven’t did a thing in about two weeks .

Things have finally been working out with school, I can officially change my status to student ... I’m so happy my major is psych for now I have get in the nursing program to make it my major but I’m satisfied because I want to be a psych nurse . With all this going on...

I defiantly need to re-center myself . But I feel like imp finally moving from that place I was in.

better news

And I have had a crazy week. Crashing classes was a discouraging process budget cuts are a real problem, There was about 30 crashers per class, it was a sad sight to see. And a sad thing for me. I was totally crazed and teachers kept saying “there will be openings after the 1st two months” like I want to play catch up after two months of missed work…..But no worries I am determined and I re-evaluated and came up with a plan. I had to change my major, but I love psychology, what’s in peoples head has always been a major concern of mine. I went through a different school, but nursing is not out of the picture I’m crashing my lab classes ( classes I cant take at the other school.) where there’s a will there is a way….





Better news

I started a blog talk show. Something I have always wanted to do… not exactly a blog show but maybe be on the radio, I like talking to people I love getting my point out and hearing other peoples. Conversation is an art and I do love it. I kind of want this blog to stay my own little space though. I thought about not even mentioning it on this page. But I guess I should promote everywhere. Plus there’s a lot of people on here that I would like to listen and maybe even call in. I’m building a blog just for the show. I will be inviting all of you very soon until then check it out on this page.

Heres some shows we have done we go live every tuesday and thursday 9 pm

 
 
 
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Four Corners on which i will build.

There has always been a struggle to prove I’m good enough or I’m not to good. I didn’t know why and until a few months ago I never really put to much energy into the thought.


I was aware of it, I just convinced myself that I was dealing with people accordingly. And the adjustments I made to my attitude,,,, was a normal thing people did.


I didn’t take into consideration how much I would give or how much I allowed myself to take.


It really is so much more then that…one particular incident comes to mind.

* I was in a long relationship in which there was a big difference between me and my mate socially as well as attire style , not just in my tight jeans vs. her baggy jeans. More like business casual vs. street casual. I dressed according to my mood and it ranged from hip hop, to a little goth , plain jane the girl next door always really laid back. When it come to dressing I like to be comfortable, I also like to make a good 1st impression. I like my cloths to fit my attitude which is fem but not to girlie. This woman style was very hip hop and street casual…. I love this about her.. She looked so sexy in a fitted cap, black tank top, baggy jeans fresh tennis shoes. In my eyes she was the hottest woman ever. After us being together a while she started complaining about how dressed “ like I’m trying to catch someone” . I was really taken back because I don’t dress provocatively I rarely show cleavage, I never show my tummy I do wear fitting jeans but nothing to “out there” So I didn’t understand …..but for months this was her favorite little comment.

One day we unexpectedly spend the night at a family member home. The next day all I had was some hand me down cloths that this family member would not mind losing they were jeans and a k-mart shirt. (not the cute kind, the kind your gambling granny wears ) she gave me a long smile and said "now we look like we are together". Later when she had to explain that comment she tooled me “I dressed like I was too good for her” I was so sad she felt that way. I didn’t know how to respond I pay average prices for my cloths. I shop in average places for my cloths. Labels are not plentiful in my closet. So I was so upset and pissed and misunderstood . It made me feel like I did something to make her feel this way. That I should clam down on my style until she could dress as well as me..(which wasn’t that well)*

This is not the only example. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I loved her style of dress and I nick named her sexy…because she looked really fucking sexy all the time. When she got dressed I would be all over her. She would peel me off. Its not the first or the last time my mate expressed she felt we were on different levels.

I thought this might be because of the type of people I choose to have around me, the type of people I choose to date.


But this goes beyond that. In school I was a reader, not a book worm but I read (A LOT) and a lot of people thought that was me trying to be smarter then everyone else.


I have always walk to a sort of beat ( because I live in my mind and there’s a lot of music in there) so I was known ( since 6th grade ) to walk like I think I’m better then others.


I use Ebonics but I also put new words from books in my everyday vocabulary so in my neighborhood when I used a new words..I was talking like im better then them. In there eyes 


I got older and my circle became bigger. I started partying with people that had never even been to my neighborhood…and they were surprised by my intellect…(even though we the same age and both lacking collage education) my friends that did not come from where I come from had a habit of explaining things to me that really is common knowledge. That ended quickly I would state some impressive trivia followed by some sarcasm and wit. My comprehension would not be questioned again, until there was a new member of the circle and this cycle would repeat. Questions about my neighborhood was always another issue they all wanted to know if it was really as bad as its portrayed. This was annoying a lot of life long people (family, childhood friend, mates) gave me the impression that I thought a little to much of myself. My new made friends gave me the impression they didn’t think much of me….where is my happy medium…


Is my chi off.


Im a strong believer that if you have the same problem more then once then…your doing something wrong.


but after altering myself so many times in so many ways .I figured out something that’s been told to me a lot of times…but it is something I had to learn with experience and that’s .


I have to make myself happy…


And even with “how it is” im so fucking happy


“single and happy”


I think my lost of any kind of social contact allowed me a breathing time to form the four corners of my foundation.


1. My life belongs to me, and my feelings are valid they are important to me and those that are close to me.


2. No material or exterior thing or person can define me.


3. Trust and respect is earned and not given.


4. The past should be learned from not lived on.

 I start school tomorrow ....scary stuff.