better news

And I have had a crazy week. Crashing classes was a discouraging process budget cuts are a real problem, There was about 30 crashers per class, it was a sad sight to see. And a sad thing for me. I was totally crazed and teachers kept saying “there will be openings after the 1st two months” like I want to play catch up after two months of missed work…..But no worries I am determined and I re-evaluated and came up with a plan. I had to change my major, but I love psychology, what’s in peoples head has always been a major concern of mine. I went through a different school, but nursing is not out of the picture I’m crashing my lab classes ( classes I cant take at the other school.) where there’s a will there is a way….





Better news

I started a blog talk show. Something I have always wanted to do… not exactly a blog show but maybe be on the radio, I like talking to people I love getting my point out and hearing other peoples. Conversation is an art and I do love it. I kind of want this blog to stay my own little space though. I thought about not even mentioning it on this page. But I guess I should promote everywhere. Plus there’s a lot of people on here that I would like to listen and maybe even call in. I’m building a blog just for the show. I will be inviting all of you very soon until then check it out on this page.

Heres some shows we have done we go live every tuesday and thursday 9 pm

 
 
 
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Four Corners on which i will build.

There has always been a struggle to prove I’m good enough or I’m not to good. I didn’t know why and until a few months ago I never really put to much energy into the thought.


I was aware of it, I just convinced myself that I was dealing with people accordingly. And the adjustments I made to my attitude,,,, was a normal thing people did.


I didn’t take into consideration how much I would give or how much I allowed myself to take.


It really is so much more then that…one particular incident comes to mind.

* I was in a long relationship in which there was a big difference between me and my mate socially as well as attire style , not just in my tight jeans vs. her baggy jeans. More like business casual vs. street casual. I dressed according to my mood and it ranged from hip hop, to a little goth , plain jane the girl next door always really laid back. When it come to dressing I like to be comfortable, I also like to make a good 1st impression. I like my cloths to fit my attitude which is fem but not to girlie. This woman style was very hip hop and street casual…. I love this about her.. She looked so sexy in a fitted cap, black tank top, baggy jeans fresh tennis shoes. In my eyes she was the hottest woman ever. After us being together a while she started complaining about how dressed “ like I’m trying to catch someone” . I was really taken back because I don’t dress provocatively I rarely show cleavage, I never show my tummy I do wear fitting jeans but nothing to “out there” So I didn’t understand …..but for months this was her favorite little comment.

One day we unexpectedly spend the night at a family member home. The next day all I had was some hand me down cloths that this family member would not mind losing they were jeans and a k-mart shirt. (not the cute kind, the kind your gambling granny wears ) she gave me a long smile and said "now we look like we are together". Later when she had to explain that comment she tooled me “I dressed like I was too good for her” I was so sad she felt that way. I didn’t know how to respond I pay average prices for my cloths. I shop in average places for my cloths. Labels are not plentiful in my closet. So I was so upset and pissed and misunderstood . It made me feel like I did something to make her feel this way. That I should clam down on my style until she could dress as well as me..(which wasn’t that well)*

This is not the only example. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I loved her style of dress and I nick named her sexy…because she looked really fucking sexy all the time. When she got dressed I would be all over her. She would peel me off. Its not the first or the last time my mate expressed she felt we were on different levels.

I thought this might be because of the type of people I choose to have around me, the type of people I choose to date.


But this goes beyond that. In school I was a reader, not a book worm but I read (A LOT) and a lot of people thought that was me trying to be smarter then everyone else.


I have always walk to a sort of beat ( because I live in my mind and there’s a lot of music in there) so I was known ( since 6th grade ) to walk like I think I’m better then others.


I use Ebonics but I also put new words from books in my everyday vocabulary so in my neighborhood when I used a new words..I was talking like im better then them. In there eyes 


I got older and my circle became bigger. I started partying with people that had never even been to my neighborhood…and they were surprised by my intellect…(even though we the same age and both lacking collage education) my friends that did not come from where I come from had a habit of explaining things to me that really is common knowledge. That ended quickly I would state some impressive trivia followed by some sarcasm and wit. My comprehension would not be questioned again, until there was a new member of the circle and this cycle would repeat. Questions about my neighborhood was always another issue they all wanted to know if it was really as bad as its portrayed. This was annoying a lot of life long people (family, childhood friend, mates) gave me the impression that I thought a little to much of myself. My new made friends gave me the impression they didn’t think much of me….where is my happy medium…


Is my chi off.


Im a strong believer that if you have the same problem more then once then…your doing something wrong.


but after altering myself so many times in so many ways .I figured out something that’s been told to me a lot of times…but it is something I had to learn with experience and that’s .


I have to make myself happy…


And even with “how it is” im so fucking happy


“single and happy”


I think my lost of any kind of social contact allowed me a breathing time to form the four corners of my foundation.


1. My life belongs to me, and my feelings are valid they are important to me and those that are close to me.


2. No material or exterior thing or person can define me.


3. Trust and respect is earned and not given.


4. The past should be learned from not lived on.

 I start school tomorrow ....scary stuff.

I went out to a bar.

I went out to a bar last night.


It was a joke.

I’m use to living in L.A where a bad turn out is about a 100 people, in this local bar there was about 30 people…(70% gay men) lucky I met a bar buddy there so at least I had good conversation. (or something close to it) I played a few good games of pool which surprised me because I have never been good the game. I received a whopping 2 complements (that were welcome) and both women were not really my type.

I wasn’t really going for that though I went because I need to get out of the house, I don’t know why I kept tabs on people and complements and such. My bar buddy had got into a tiff with her girlfriend, as she complained about the girl I thought. I don’t miss this one bit. *Sighs* So why am I so disappointed with the lack of social interaction in this bar? I mean what’s the big deal? I had someone to talk to, I was out of the house? WHAT WAS THE DAMN PROBLEM ? …..

As I stared at my bar buddy, I felt know different then staring at t.v. I wouldn’t even compare it to a good movie.

it all about me...and thats ok.

Its been a couple of days without me writing I just left my blog unattended.

I couldn't understand why I stop writing, then yesterday while something snapped. I realize I had modified my blog to please others. One of the main habits I’m trying to escape.

The post prior to this one is a venting session , and in that I down my "ex" pretty bad. The truth of it is that I was expressing how my self love must grow, and how my own pride and arrogance allowed me not take the warnings of two very wise and intelligent women who’s experience in the matter was well beyond my own. The traits I used to describe her are not the problem . It was her acting on these traits that should have prompted my immediate exit from the situation. My lack of self persevering acts is the real point of post.

The post is pretty harsh on the "ex" but its how I felt at that time. Honestly I don’t think of her much unless it is related to myself growth, and there a lot to relate. Its a long brutal road from love to hate...The saying "a thin line between love and hate" is shit! love and hate are so far apart that it takes  immense gestures in either case for this young woman to feel either way so for her to go from one extreme (my love) to very close to the other extreme (my hate) well that’s a lot . I wrote my last post with as sarcasm, of course I wasn't all good. and she wasn't all evil. But this blog is my place, we have no mutual friends we are in no way socially connected. I will not change anymore, I will not cage any more of myself.. For others especially one so undeserving of my consideration.