Four Corners on which i will build.

There has always been a struggle to prove I’m good enough or I’m not to good. I didn’t know why and until a few months ago I never really put to much energy into the thought.


I was aware of it, I just convinced myself that I was dealing with people accordingly. And the adjustments I made to my attitude,,,, was a normal thing people did.


I didn’t take into consideration how much I would give or how much I allowed myself to take.


It really is so much more then that…one particular incident comes to mind.

* I was in a long relationship in which there was a big difference between me and my mate socially as well as attire style , not just in my tight jeans vs. her baggy jeans. More like business casual vs. street casual. I dressed according to my mood and it ranged from hip hop, to a little goth , plain jane the girl next door always really laid back. When it come to dressing I like to be comfortable, I also like to make a good 1st impression. I like my cloths to fit my attitude which is fem but not to girlie. This woman style was very hip hop and street casual…. I love this about her.. She looked so sexy in a fitted cap, black tank top, baggy jeans fresh tennis shoes. In my eyes she was the hottest woman ever. After us being together a while she started complaining about how dressed “ like I’m trying to catch someone” . I was really taken back because I don’t dress provocatively I rarely show cleavage, I never show my tummy I do wear fitting jeans but nothing to “out there” So I didn’t understand …..but for months this was her favorite little comment.

One day we unexpectedly spend the night at a family member home. The next day all I had was some hand me down cloths that this family member would not mind losing they were jeans and a k-mart shirt. (not the cute kind, the kind your gambling granny wears ) she gave me a long smile and said "now we look like we are together". Later when she had to explain that comment she tooled me “I dressed like I was too good for her” I was so sad she felt that way. I didn’t know how to respond I pay average prices for my cloths. I shop in average places for my cloths. Labels are not plentiful in my closet. So I was so upset and pissed and misunderstood . It made me feel like I did something to make her feel this way. That I should clam down on my style until she could dress as well as me..(which wasn’t that well)*

This is not the only example. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I loved her style of dress and I nick named her sexy…because she looked really fucking sexy all the time. When she got dressed I would be all over her. She would peel me off. Its not the first or the last time my mate expressed she felt we were on different levels.

I thought this might be because of the type of people I choose to have around me, the type of people I choose to date.


But this goes beyond that. In school I was a reader, not a book worm but I read (A LOT) and a lot of people thought that was me trying to be smarter then everyone else.


I have always walk to a sort of beat ( because I live in my mind and there’s a lot of music in there) so I was known ( since 6th grade ) to walk like I think I’m better then others.


I use Ebonics but I also put new words from books in my everyday vocabulary so in my neighborhood when I used a new words..I was talking like im better then them. In there eyes 


I got older and my circle became bigger. I started partying with people that had never even been to my neighborhood…and they were surprised by my intellect…(even though we the same age and both lacking collage education) my friends that did not come from where I come from had a habit of explaining things to me that really is common knowledge. That ended quickly I would state some impressive trivia followed by some sarcasm and wit. My comprehension would not be questioned again, until there was a new member of the circle and this cycle would repeat. Questions about my neighborhood was always another issue they all wanted to know if it was really as bad as its portrayed. This was annoying a lot of life long people (family, childhood friend, mates) gave me the impression that I thought a little to much of myself. My new made friends gave me the impression they didn’t think much of me….where is my happy medium…


Is my chi off.


Im a strong believer that if you have the same problem more then once then…your doing something wrong.


but after altering myself so many times in so many ways .I figured out something that’s been told to me a lot of times…but it is something I had to learn with experience and that’s .


I have to make myself happy…


And even with “how it is” im so fucking happy


“single and happy”


I think my lost of any kind of social contact allowed me a breathing time to form the four corners of my foundation.


1. My life belongs to me, and my feelings are valid they are important to me and those that are close to me.


2. No material or exterior thing or person can define me.


3. Trust and respect is earned and not given.


4. The past should be learned from not lived on.

 I start school tomorrow ....scary stuff.

school comes quick

Friday came really quick, and now there’s only three days before school starts. I’m so nervous its hard to focus. I feel unprepared even though I have had weeks to get ready. I think it has allot to do with crashing classes. I have been kicking down red bulls like crazy.

On another note

 I made a huge mistake a couple of weeks ago, I gave my phone number out to this guy who lives close to me. Honestly I gave the guy my number because I didn’t want to make him look bad him in front of his friend..... Now the fucker will not stop texting me. I NEVER respond and I even tooled him in a very nice way that I’m not interested . Plus I’m a LESBO. (this never seems to be a problem to them) I got myself into this because I should have just tooled him no, in the first place. But nooooo... I had to be nice. Unfortunately this guy lives close to me so he see me when I go the store or something like that. It's weird and uncomfortable that he sends me good morning text when I have not returned one text. I never answer the call. I know I got myself into this stupid situation but any advice.?,,,,

I went out to a bar.

I went out to a bar last night.


It was a joke.

I’m use to living in L.A where a bad turn out is about a 100 people, in this local bar there was about 30 people…(70% gay men) lucky I met a bar buddy there so at least I had good conversation. (or something close to it) I played a few good games of pool which surprised me because I have never been good the game. I received a whopping 2 complements (that were welcome) and both women were not really my type.

I wasn’t really going for that though I went because I need to get out of the house, I don’t know why I kept tabs on people and complements and such. My bar buddy had got into a tiff with her girlfriend, as she complained about the girl I thought. I don’t miss this one bit. *Sighs* So why am I so disappointed with the lack of social interaction in this bar? I mean what’s the big deal? I had someone to talk to, I was out of the house? WHAT WAS THE DAMN PROBLEM ? …..

As I stared at my bar buddy, I felt know different then staring at t.v. I wouldn’t even compare it to a good movie.

Its refreashing to be single and happy

It seems like I shouldn’t be feeling so happy as a single woman but I am, love songs send me into a trance or sort of fantasy about new possibility once my life is back on track, its like I already know that me being single is not long term….That may seem border line neurotic, but the truth is it’s a down fall


When I think about why I feel this way I’m sure I’m setting myself up for the “bullshit”. in other words Im setting myself up for and asshole.
 It may have something to do with that fact that I have never been single longer then three months, and the few times i was single i kept 3 to 4 female in rotation according to my needs. I know now that was the little girl in me afraid to be absolutely alone. Thats not all true I dont mind being alone so im not really sure  or what or why ?

When I think of the future I think ….No! No I need to focus really hard for the next few years. I shouldn’t even be thinking that way….but every once in while I drift off and when I do I find myself thinking of things I think about what will she look like, what will she like , what will she dislike ? I feel like I have been through so much with my past that I will recognize what I don’t want, I feel like I will look deep enough to see what’s in her mind so I will recognize the qualities I do want. I’m hoping once school starts I can bury myself in studying…I crave that robotic process of receiving large amounts of information, the way I allow it fill my brain circling finding ways to connect and associate gluing knowledge to my brain. That’s what I need school………one week left. Then I can successfully daydream about cells and synapses.



In the mean time I have decided to read the origin of species . There is a book that’s very popular right now The God Delusion by a man name Richard Dawkins…that I have to read. I wont go into detail here its much to heavy but I am going to start a short blog dedicated to this subject since I do have strong feelings on the subject of the atheist movement that seems to be spreading epidemic. Why not start with a book that has greatly influence the science community greatly. F.Y.I I think god (our creator) is in science. As our minds evolve so shall our understanding of our creation and creator.

Coming soon blog

Saturday

Hello, I am in a great mood today. I have been for the last four days.

Its always scary little waves in my sea of happiness fear that things will all go wrong. Is that weird or a normal that I have those fears.?

I have been practicing my youtube belly dancing which is working. My best friend got me a hip wrap to motivate me. On top of that I got a new hair do, it always does amazing things to confidence. I went out last night to a straight bar. That’s never really fun for me, its a process to get to the gay girls while avoiding persistent men and I’m in there (heterosexual ) playing field. I went because my friends are straight....why I don’t know? I have been a out lesbian since age 14 and still no lipstick /fem lesbian crew... but that is another blog. The point is I went out and even though it was a straight club i had a good time….I go to a gay club tomorrow night.
School starts in two weeks

it all about me...and thats ok.

Its been a couple of days without me writing I just left my blog unattended.

I couldn't understand why I stop writing, then yesterday while something snapped. I realize I had modified my blog to please others. One of the main habits I’m trying to escape.

The post prior to this one is a venting session , and in that I down my "ex" pretty bad. The truth of it is that I was expressing how my self love must grow, and how my own pride and arrogance allowed me not take the warnings of two very wise and intelligent women who’s experience in the matter was well beyond my own. The traits I used to describe her are not the problem . It was her acting on these traits that should have prompted my immediate exit from the situation. My lack of self persevering acts is the real point of post.

The post is pretty harsh on the "ex" but its how I felt at that time. Honestly I don’t think of her much unless it is related to myself growth, and there a lot to relate. Its a long brutal road from love to hate...The saying "a thin line between love and hate" is shit! love and hate are so far apart that it takes  immense gestures in either case for this young woman to feel either way so for her to go from one extreme (my love) to very close to the other extreme (my hate) well that’s a lot . I wrote my last post with as sarcasm, of course I wasn't all good. and she wasn't all evil. But this blog is my place, we have no mutual friends we are in no way socially connected. I will not change anymore, I will not cage any more of myself.. For others especially one so undeserving of my consideration.

mom says im a meany

I wrote this blog and it said alot of shitty stuff about my ex..all true....but my mom says its mean and wrong and basically tooled me i sound bitter....what should i do. I really don't hate her anymore but every once in a while i feel the need to rave a bit. Mainly because the bitch wont give me back something really special...that's mine and was never hers...