I did almost get in a bar fight with some drunk girl.

The weekend came and went with no special excitement for me, I had a few drinks with some friends but there was no sparks.

Oh wait! 

I did almost get in a bar fight with some drunk girl. ok so me and two friends go to this bar. Since i little in what can be called a "little town" very close to a big city (los angles) you can say there's a crazy mix of people. This Restaurant/ Bar has the best margaritas i ever tasted and happy hours from 1 pm to 8pm daily so everyone goes there. So me and my two ( very stud, tomboyish,) friends order drinks and we see a table of ladies that set off the gaydar. I step out for a smoke and so does one of the ladies and i thought ok great so we talk she invites us to there table and so here a party. Then our new friends realize that neither of these ladies were my girlfriend and it was now clear why i was hitting on the nice woman that joined me for a smoke(lets call her cat). attitudes changed even though everyone assured me that cat was single and she herself acted very friendly and even gave me her number her friend (we shall call her asshole ) was very protective though they were not together i remained my normal nice self and thought nothing of it really because i didn't care, so asshole ask me if i thought" HER friend was cute" (so elementary) i replied "yes very" and gave a smile. when i smiled she grabbed the bottom of my cheeks' and chin and said "ohhh that's so cute" Since we were close in age and she had my cheeks in a vice grip I was really taken back by the gesture because it was so disrespectful and mean and.......... involving my face but i didn't get angry i just gave her a funny look. Later after smoking a few with Cat and having another peach margarita i was coming in from a smoke with Cat i put my arm up to hold the door and asshole was coming out at the same time somehow she says i hit her in the face while hold the door. As i was walking away from her drunk rants she called me a BITCH. Now that's not nice and i walked back to let her know that, At this point her ranting was causing a commotion and Cat was all over me telling me she sorry and please clam down in the same instance my best friend was explaining to her that name calling is unacceptable behavior. Everything calm down we had another margarita and went home.

oh how i want to blog

 I have noticed that not just me but my hole line up of people has slowly diclined in there fequnce of bloging. * in the back of my head i wonder if anyone even noticed the blogs i took out. Maybe once again thats what is is. Maybe people just since that im not in need of attention so much anymore and have gave my little letters a rest. Whatever it is, i miss having one or two comments. Its ok I have come a ways in this two months.

what weeks bring

Its up and down week for me and my family. Monday was my Troy’s memorial an that was and event. I got to feel his presence again. It was a 24 hour thing for me and my family Sunday afternoon leading into Sunday night was a bbq. Yes we gave my uncial a BBQ complete with his favorite game dominos his best friend came a other very close friends and family. The next day was his service and then another cook out my aunt Peaches gave, it was great and I knew he was there I could feel him. The very next day I had to go to court with my ex-employer, the assholes tried to appeal my grant for un-employment. There reason being I was delinquent and then fired from my job. NOT TRUE they could not produce anything but a piece of paper they clam to be my attendance record. It was a lie and I couldn’t believe they would lie like that. I wanted to smack the operations manger in the face and say you took a fucking oath. That would not have helped. I’m nervous about the outcome they don’t give it to you right there they mail you the judgment. "JUGEMENT" never liked that word. So after Monday and Tuesday then comes hump day and I have a sort of make up show to do so that put things to a rush combined with school put me in squeeze. In addition to that I have to share my computer with one other very internet active person. Thursday came and so did my check every dime went to bills and such. On Friday came a big surprise my mom got me my very own tiny computer, ITS GREAT with all that’s happen I have had lots of support and love. My best friend came from very far to see me and also attend the memorial. My aunt was very supportive through this. My mom assured me that no matter the outcome we would find away through. Then my mom saw my struggles with the computer and got me this baby. I am so blessed. This just reminds me that things can change so suddenly and I’m so grateful.

control

So many things this world are out of our control. Three days ago my uncial died, he diagnosed with leukemia a little under a year ago and was only 41 years old. He was strong and very health prior to the leukemia and when it was diagnosed we were all very sure he would make it, as a matter of fact he already had a donor to a bone marrow transplant. In a two month period my uncial health declined and he died. There are no words for this only bleeding hearts for a man so full of life that for it to be over makes no since. I can not fix this I cant start over and build all over and start new, so I don’t know how to deal. For problems there are solutions for a mistake made there is a lesson learned. I could put a lot shit on here about death being a part of life. But his life doe not deserve this ending. The whole thing is so scary because I see no cause and the effect is only pain.

Im A STUDENT

Im a STUDENT again yay I’m extremely happy…but not satisfied. my energy has returned and finally I am smiling more then often then not. I have came out of my blank state of depression retuned to active life…oh im so grateful…but paranoid thinking about how it could go wrong (old habits die hard) but the small bricks of this foundation are strong and even so I use that to keep my paranoid thoughts in check. I use this blog for motivation…how morbid that I woman of 24 have to depend on a blog to say on track. Thinking of that reminds me that I need to catch up on my fellow bloggers. I will be doing this today. If you guys haven’t take a look at my links to other peoples blogs, if the links on my page then there are people I read often and if you like my blog chances are you will love there’s…..what’s new I have returned to my much needed belly dancing. I WILL START DRINKING WATER AGAIN, so easily the little stuff gets pushed to the side and procrastination sneaks in. Ha, I caught it after two weeks floating around doing whatever the day required. I need to re-center myself but I still haven’t got a clear time to do this. As-a-matter of fact Im going to make time tonight. But first im going to complete and assignment (write a short bio on myself) I will most likely post it.



..i made this 3 days ago and so much has changed

I have missed you

Well I have been busy….its been a while since I been this damn busy. I also forgot how to manage.


The Lez B Us show is going great. (cant miss a advertising opportunity).

But back to my fight my foundation. But for right now Liz b us is becoming part of my life, I love doing the show but I’m concerned about how much energy im putting in it. it started as a hobby but deep in my heart I want it to be a business. I’m thinking about doing just that. im going to give it a few months and prepare a business plan then see how I feel.

My weight loss is coming along nicely even though I haven’t did a thing in about two weeks .

Things have finally been working out with school, I can officially change my status to student ... I’m so happy my major is psych for now I have get in the nursing program to make it my major but I’m satisfied because I want to be a psych nurse . With all this going on...

I defiantly need to re-center myself . But I feel like imp finally moving from that place I was in.

better news

And I have had a crazy week. Crashing classes was a discouraging process budget cuts are a real problem, There was about 30 crashers per class, it was a sad sight to see. And a sad thing for me. I was totally crazed and teachers kept saying “there will be openings after the 1st two months” like I want to play catch up after two months of missed work…..But no worries I am determined and I re-evaluated and came up with a plan. I had to change my major, but I love psychology, what’s in peoples head has always been a major concern of mine. I went through a different school, but nursing is not out of the picture I’m crashing my lab classes ( classes I cant take at the other school.) where there’s a will there is a way….





Better news

I started a blog talk show. Something I have always wanted to do… not exactly a blog show but maybe be on the radio, I like talking to people I love getting my point out and hearing other peoples. Conversation is an art and I do love it. I kind of want this blog to stay my own little space though. I thought about not even mentioning it on this page. But I guess I should promote everywhere. Plus there’s a lot of people on here that I would like to listen and maybe even call in. I’m building a blog just for the show. I will be inviting all of you very soon until then check it out on this page.

Heres some shows we have done we go live every tuesday and thursday 9 pm

 
 
 
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Listen to Michelle And Nikki on Blog Talk Radio
 
Add us

Four Corners on which i will build.

There has always been a struggle to prove I’m good enough or I’m not to good. I didn’t know why and until a few months ago I never really put to much energy into the thought.


I was aware of it, I just convinced myself that I was dealing with people accordingly. And the adjustments I made to my attitude,,,, was a normal thing people did.


I didn’t take into consideration how much I would give or how much I allowed myself to take.


It really is so much more then that…one particular incident comes to mind.

* I was in a long relationship in which there was a big difference between me and my mate socially as well as attire style , not just in my tight jeans vs. her baggy jeans. More like business casual vs. street casual. I dressed according to my mood and it ranged from hip hop, to a little goth , plain jane the girl next door always really laid back. When it come to dressing I like to be comfortable, I also like to make a good 1st impression. I like my cloths to fit my attitude which is fem but not to girlie. This woman style was very hip hop and street casual…. I love this about her.. She looked so sexy in a fitted cap, black tank top, baggy jeans fresh tennis shoes. In my eyes she was the hottest woman ever. After us being together a while she started complaining about how dressed “ like I’m trying to catch someone” . I was really taken back because I don’t dress provocatively I rarely show cleavage, I never show my tummy I do wear fitting jeans but nothing to “out there” So I didn’t understand …..but for months this was her favorite little comment.

One day we unexpectedly spend the night at a family member home. The next day all I had was some hand me down cloths that this family member would not mind losing they were jeans and a k-mart shirt. (not the cute kind, the kind your gambling granny wears ) she gave me a long smile and said "now we look like we are together". Later when she had to explain that comment she tooled me “I dressed like I was too good for her” I was so sad she felt that way. I didn’t know how to respond I pay average prices for my cloths. I shop in average places for my cloths. Labels are not plentiful in my closet. So I was so upset and pissed and misunderstood . It made me feel like I did something to make her feel this way. That I should clam down on my style until she could dress as well as me..(which wasn’t that well)*

This is not the only example. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I loved her style of dress and I nick named her sexy…because she looked really fucking sexy all the time. When she got dressed I would be all over her. She would peel me off. Its not the first or the last time my mate expressed she felt we were on different levels.

I thought this might be because of the type of people I choose to have around me, the type of people I choose to date.


But this goes beyond that. In school I was a reader, not a book worm but I read (A LOT) and a lot of people thought that was me trying to be smarter then everyone else.


I have always walk to a sort of beat ( because I live in my mind and there’s a lot of music in there) so I was known ( since 6th grade ) to walk like I think I’m better then others.


I use Ebonics but I also put new words from books in my everyday vocabulary so in my neighborhood when I used a new words..I was talking like im better then them. In there eyes 


I got older and my circle became bigger. I started partying with people that had never even been to my neighborhood…and they were surprised by my intellect…(even though we the same age and both lacking collage education) my friends that did not come from where I come from had a habit of explaining things to me that really is common knowledge. That ended quickly I would state some impressive trivia followed by some sarcasm and wit. My comprehension would not be questioned again, until there was a new member of the circle and this cycle would repeat. Questions about my neighborhood was always another issue they all wanted to know if it was really as bad as its portrayed. This was annoying a lot of life long people (family, childhood friend, mates) gave me the impression that I thought a little to much of myself. My new made friends gave me the impression they didn’t think much of me….where is my happy medium…


Is my chi off.


Im a strong believer that if you have the same problem more then once then…your doing something wrong.


but after altering myself so many times in so many ways .I figured out something that’s been told to me a lot of times…but it is something I had to learn with experience and that’s .


I have to make myself happy…


And even with “how it is” im so fucking happy


“single and happy”


I think my lost of any kind of social contact allowed me a breathing time to form the four corners of my foundation.


1. My life belongs to me, and my feelings are valid they are important to me and those that are close to me.


2. No material or exterior thing or person can define me.


3. Trust and respect is earned and not given.


4. The past should be learned from not lived on.

 I start school tomorrow ....scary stuff.

school comes quick

Friday came really quick, and now there’s only three days before school starts. I’m so nervous its hard to focus. I feel unprepared even though I have had weeks to get ready. I think it has allot to do with crashing classes. I have been kicking down red bulls like crazy.

On another note

 I made a huge mistake a couple of weeks ago, I gave my phone number out to this guy who lives close to me. Honestly I gave the guy my number because I didn’t want to make him look bad him in front of his friend..... Now the fucker will not stop texting me. I NEVER respond and I even tooled him in a very nice way that I’m not interested . Plus I’m a LESBO. (this never seems to be a problem to them) I got myself into this because I should have just tooled him no, in the first place. But nooooo... I had to be nice. Unfortunately this guy lives close to me so he see me when I go the store or something like that. It's weird and uncomfortable that he sends me good morning text when I have not returned one text. I never answer the call. I know I got myself into this stupid situation but any advice.?,,,,

I went out to a bar.

I went out to a bar last night.


It was a joke.

I’m use to living in L.A where a bad turn out is about a 100 people, in this local bar there was about 30 people…(70% gay men) lucky I met a bar buddy there so at least I had good conversation. (or something close to it) I played a few good games of pool which surprised me because I have never been good the game. I received a whopping 2 complements (that were welcome) and both women were not really my type.

I wasn’t really going for that though I went because I need to get out of the house, I don’t know why I kept tabs on people and complements and such. My bar buddy had got into a tiff with her girlfriend, as she complained about the girl I thought. I don’t miss this one bit. *Sighs* So why am I so disappointed with the lack of social interaction in this bar? I mean what’s the big deal? I had someone to talk to, I was out of the house? WHAT WAS THE DAMN PROBLEM ? …..

As I stared at my bar buddy, I felt know different then staring at t.v. I wouldn’t even compare it to a good movie.

Its refreashing to be single and happy

It seems like I shouldn’t be feeling so happy as a single woman but I am, love songs send me into a trance or sort of fantasy about new possibility once my life is back on track, its like I already know that me being single is not long term….That may seem border line neurotic, but the truth is it’s a down fall


When I think about why I feel this way I’m sure I’m setting myself up for the “bullshit”. in other words Im setting myself up for and asshole.
 It may have something to do with that fact that I have never been single longer then three months, and the few times i was single i kept 3 to 4 female in rotation according to my needs. I know now that was the little girl in me afraid to be absolutely alone. Thats not all true I dont mind being alone so im not really sure  or what or why ?

When I think of the future I think ….No! No I need to focus really hard for the next few years. I shouldn’t even be thinking that way….but every once in while I drift off and when I do I find myself thinking of things I think about what will she look like, what will she like , what will she dislike ? I feel like I have been through so much with my past that I will recognize what I don’t want, I feel like I will look deep enough to see what’s in her mind so I will recognize the qualities I do want. I’m hoping once school starts I can bury myself in studying…I crave that robotic process of receiving large amounts of information, the way I allow it fill my brain circling finding ways to connect and associate gluing knowledge to my brain. That’s what I need school………one week left. Then I can successfully daydream about cells and synapses.



In the mean time I have decided to read the origin of species . There is a book that’s very popular right now The God Delusion by a man name Richard Dawkins…that I have to read. I wont go into detail here its much to heavy but I am going to start a short blog dedicated to this subject since I do have strong feelings on the subject of the atheist movement that seems to be spreading epidemic. Why not start with a book that has greatly influence the science community greatly. F.Y.I I think god (our creator) is in science. As our minds evolve so shall our understanding of our creation and creator.

Coming soon blog

Saturday

Hello, I am in a great mood today. I have been for the last four days.

Its always scary little waves in my sea of happiness fear that things will all go wrong. Is that weird or a normal that I have those fears.?

I have been practicing my youtube belly dancing which is working. My best friend got me a hip wrap to motivate me. On top of that I got a new hair do, it always does amazing things to confidence. I went out last night to a straight bar. That’s never really fun for me, its a process to get to the gay girls while avoiding persistent men and I’m in there (heterosexual ) playing field. I went because my friends are straight....why I don’t know? I have been a out lesbian since age 14 and still no lipstick /fem lesbian crew... but that is another blog. The point is I went out and even though it was a straight club i had a good time….I go to a gay club tomorrow night.
School starts in two weeks

it all about me...and thats ok.

Its been a couple of days without me writing I just left my blog unattended.

I couldn't understand why I stop writing, then yesterday while something snapped. I realize I had modified my blog to please others. One of the main habits I’m trying to escape.

The post prior to this one is a venting session , and in that I down my "ex" pretty bad. The truth of it is that I was expressing how my self love must grow, and how my own pride and arrogance allowed me not take the warnings of two very wise and intelligent women who’s experience in the matter was well beyond my own. The traits I used to describe her are not the problem . It was her acting on these traits that should have prompted my immediate exit from the situation. My lack of self persevering acts is the real point of post.

The post is pretty harsh on the "ex" but its how I felt at that time. Honestly I don’t think of her much unless it is related to myself growth, and there a lot to relate. Its a long brutal road from love to hate...The saying "a thin line between love and hate" is shit! love and hate are so far apart that it takes  immense gestures in either case for this young woman to feel either way so for her to go from one extreme (my love) to very close to the other extreme (my hate) well that’s a lot . I wrote my last post with as sarcasm, of course I wasn't all good. and she wasn't all evil. But this blog is my place, we have no mutual friends we are in no way socially connected. I will not change anymore, I will not cage any more of myself.. For others especially one so undeserving of my consideration.

mom says im a meany

I wrote this blog and it said alot of shitty stuff about my ex..all true....but my mom says its mean and wrong and basically tooled me i sound bitter....what should i do. I really don't hate her anymore but every once in a while i feel the need to rave a bit. Mainly because the bitch wont give me back something really special...that's mine and was never hers...

workout

Working out made me feel fat…..why is that ? Maybe it was how hard was breathing ,or maybe the was way my body seem 30 pounds heavier , after about 10 jumping jacks I was well on my way too saying fuck it, but I thought of this blog and all that energy from yesterdays Sunday morning post, and I kept pushing. In the middle of my 50 jumping jacks I realized I didn’t have a good idea about my exercise routine, I was completely lost jumping back and forth from sit-ups to push ups to jumping jacks. I felt like I was getting no where…so I did what most was free and convenient I search the internet . I found youtude has of nice selection of fitness workouts….I found a great four serious belly dancing video (all together 40 min) . this is the 1st one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsWK5WA8of0
I watch some of it first and I thought that looks sexy that doesn’t look so hard they look extremely relaxed. So I dedicated myself to this video (which is not in English but very explanatory ) and at the end my body was in pain…GOOD PAIN…I think I’m going to look into other styles as well start a sort of rotation… in addition to that I devoured a whole liter of water…..yum. I’m tempted to just put up my picture lets see if I can come up with a body shot.

How it is

I’m not sure how to not be a procrastinator…I use to ask people and they would advise me to “just do it” after a long blank stare and a huff I would reply ok….and I thought I understood. I thought I understood I thought I knew what they meant. They meant HEY GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP GET THOSE GOALS ACCOMPLISHED. So that’s what I did…. I got up and checked into nursing school, (because I want to be a nurse) I got married (I wanted a family) I got a second job ( because I wanted more money) ………I did all this with in a year…lol. Can u guess what happen ….my week was filled with 60 hours of work 30 hours of school and 14 hours of traffic and all free time went to fights with the Mrs.….(because I’m a lesbo) after 10 months and countless hours of missed school neglecting both jobs and almost collecting my wife’s head. It all fell apart…and exhaustion and depression kicked in and all was lost….But no fear I’m here and I will try again. Of course I lost my job so I’m living on unemployment. My wife left me…..kind of around the same time I lost my job…..coincident I guess. My apartment was a perk of my job. so um I live with my mom and my car broke down and in a fit of rage I junked it.. So I’m 24 I have no kids, no job, no car, no real college education, my credit sucks and I live with my mom…..after my wife left I went through a change….well first I went though a sort of personal hell, but slowly I begin to feel again. And not just that painful dull anger that I had wasted what I thought to be a very important year of my life and got nothing but 5000 dollars in school loans and a scar on my heart. I felt the urge to try again. To fight that part of me that whispers never trust another big butt and smile. To say fuck nursing hard core business is the life for me. So lets start. I say lets because well I feel kind of Looney I mean lonely and hey why should I. I have , a computer I have access to the WORLD WIDE WEB. Lets see what I can do in this year… in the mean time I hope to run across people who have better advice then just do it cause as you can see that didn’t work.